May was a profoundly different month for me than any I have in recent recollection. The contrast between the start and the end was electric, dynamic and literally life-changing.
I have been in a bizarre, in-between head space for at least a year or two. It was this no man’s land, drifting somewhere overcast and bleak, where no news was welcome, no decision or progression working and where hopelessness bloomed with a fiery kind of rage.
It’s a revolting place to be, where you see nothing but darkness both within and around you and strengthen the gloom by basking in the guilt of feeling as though that perspective is simply not okay. There is no quicker way to sink into the jagged claws of misery than to feel as though things aren’t how they should be.
There are plenty of people just like me in the world; a vast, multitude, you could say. You might even be one reading this. You have a decent quality of life, from an external perspective looking in; you have a job that pays the bills, a roof over your head, maybe a car and enough money to afford a holiday every now and then, a loving partner, some caring friends and a supportive family; all the things that compose a ‘desirable’ life. But still you feel utterly hopeless. You drift through the days making meaningless small talk, joining in with your colleagues complaining about whatever the theme of the day is and living for the weekend.
The start of May was rock bottom for me. I had just attended one of Teal Swan’s Synchronicity workshops in London and experienced the utter collapse that she warned is usually imminent after attending one of her events. And boy, did it hit me.
In the week that followed, I had lost hope completely. Having the massive realisation that I was a walking, talking, ghostly shell of myself was an uncomfortable reality to face. I wasn’t sure of anything in my life, who I was or where I was going, what I cared about and what the point of it all was. Anxiety enveloped me and I was utterly consumed by a desperate longing for it all just to end. I thought about the world at large and felt so distraught by the chaos spinning around me in a rapid vortex that I became overwhelmed in feeling like the fight was done and I had been beaten.
I sat on the floor of my apartment and wept, powerless to my own emotion. I felt disappointment in myself for letting it get to this. I felt embarrassment at being a grown adult wanting to curl in a ball like a child and have the comfort of somebody else to look after my most basic emotional needs. It’s not nice for someone as ferociously independent as me to admit to myself that I couldn’t cope alone.
I reached out to one of the friends I hold dearest; a gal whom I knew I could depend on in my darkest hour and she suggested I pick up Teal Swan’s book Shadows Before Dawn, a practical ‘tool-kit’ as she calls it for finding self-love through the darkest of times. The book explains that essentially the only difference in this life between people who are happy and who are unhappy is that those who are happy are those who pursue what feels good. It seems like a no-brainer that if faced with a choice, a person will choose what feels like the more pleasant option, but it’s a shocking reality that so many of us are ingrained with self-loathing and self-deprecation, living the life we feel we ought to be living to please our parents, our peers or some shadow aspect of ourselves that perpetuates the pain, rather than that which we actually want.
Three realisations were manifested during the neural typhoon that occurred in May and they have completely changed my life. These are:
- My brain is a tool that I can use. It does not control me and negative thought patterns are habits that can be broken. I am. That is simply it. And I can choose to use my brain as a tool for progression and expansion when I want to do so, but it is not all that I am.
- When faced with a decision, I have two options. The first is that I can do what feels bad and the second is I can do what feels better and thus what somebody who cares about and loves themself would choose. One is in the direction of happiness and I can make smart choices when faced with a decision, no matter how big or small.
- Everything that is happening is happening because it has to. The word ‘should’ has become a dirty word to me. It is the word of resistance and instead I have chosen to indulge in the acceptance of all that is and realise that there is something to be learned through it all, even when my dreams do not yet feel tangible. Our higher self is at work constantly, driving us forth in the direction of what we want. Even though the immediate circumstances of our lives may not fit the bill, it doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be happening; they are part of a bigger picture.
One of my favourite quotes is that from C.S. Lewis;
“Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different”
This quote rings true for me in more ways than one as I sit here at the start of summer and type the tale of the journey I have been on. It’s not soap opera worthy, it’s not some shocking tale of abuse and tragedy, but I am an example of the everyday person facing inner struggle and turmoil. Nothing major in my external circumstances has changed since the start of May, but I feel as though I’m only now actually seeing the embellishments of my life as they are meant to be seen, with glimmers as they hit the light of the sun. If you feel like a victim to your life, you will inevitably perpetuate the circumstances of your life that make you feel like a victim. This vicious circle will destroy you if you don’t realise that you have a choice to do things differently.
There was a time I would have been too shy and embarrassed to ever put something like this out to the public, but that just goes to validate C.S. Lewis’s quote once more. Fuck judgement and fuck shyness. This is the kind of stuff that we should be talking about and if you’re reading this on your fall down what feels like a bottomless hole, know that things can be different. If you take one thing away from this, let it be the following: next time you have to make a decision, choose what feels in your belly like the better option, the more joyful option. The rest will soon be history.
Photos: Steve via Flickr, An Goban Saor via Flickr and Wasif Yaqeen via Flickr